Joy and Guilt

I had my 12 week Nuchal Translucency ultrasound last week and felt joy about this pregnancy for the first time.  Turns out anxiety dampens feelings of joy.   Major discovery.   We had fantastic numbers and the counsellor said that they were very happy with the result and would not recommend an amniocentesis  for us.    I cannot express how relieved I was.  I had almost cried when the sonographer was scanning the back of the baby’s neck, thinking that the space that she was measuring seemed so large and knowing that this was not a good sign.  I mentioned to my husband that it looked much bigger than the picture on the brochure that we’d been given.  Somehow my husband’s brain managed to work out that the picture on the brochure was about 3cm X 3cm and the picture we were looking at was the size of a TV screen so that there was every chance the space being measured might look bigger on “our” picture.  But my brain couldn’t managed that complex a deduction and so I lay there for the rest of the scan with tears building as I watched the tiny arms and legs moving around, wondering how on earth I was going to make the decision to risk the pregnancy or to think about termination if something was wrong.

As our cousellor said after I disclosed how worried I’d been,  “Well, now you can go away and process the good news together”.

And that’s what we’ve been doing.  We’ve now told my family that I am pregnant and I’ve been hit with a wave of guilt over my past reactions to my brother and SIL’s pregnancies.  They were so lovely when I told them about the pregnancy and so supportive of the decision to use donor eggs, (which I hadn’t necessarily expected as they are very religious people and I thought they might have some ethical issues).  But they said that they knew we would have spent a long time thinking about it and working through any issues and that there would be no judgement from them.   Bless them.  I cannot express how relived I am….and how guilty.  I actually cried on the phone when I was informed of their last pregnancy.

Guilt and joy.

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