Hurdle no. 1 – Egg Donor Approval

Today I received a call from the IVF Clinic’s counsellor.  She rang my mobile and I answered it in the middle of the yarn aisle at Lincraft.  A truly excellent venue for receiving news about your potential donor egg cycle.  Be that as it may, it seems that we have jumped the first hurdle.  My Sister is approved as an egg donor.  I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be joyful about this.  I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m meant to be grinning and holding my head high as it looks forward to the potential birth of my  potential child.  Instead I have cried my heart out today.

I am a churned up, mushy cocktail mix of relief, terror, hopefulness and grief.   This news unleashed the grief of failed cycles and miscarriages that I have unintentionally stored deep under my skin.  To choose to go down this path is to admit that the other path is closed.  I’m 41 and in peri-menopause. I know it closed quite some time ago, but this draws the truth down from my head to my heart and it hurts.

To choose to go down this path is also to accept help from my younger Sister. The Sister I have previously cared for.  I never expected that she would be called on to give so much of herself to me.  I never expected that she would put herself at risk for me.  I feel concerned for her, though the risk is low it is still present.  It is very present in my mind.

To choose to go down this path is to accept that I will be an older mother who has had so much time to think about raising a child, and so much time to accustom myself to living without one, that I am no longer convinced that having a child will bring meaning, contentment, or happiness.  Through this infertility journey I have found out that those graces must be attained through self development, or self actualization.  They can be developed in all manner of ways – not just through having a child.  Knowing this, I had hoped to make it part- way down some of those paths before being responsible for bringing another life into the world.  I know my failings as a person more deeply now than I did when I first started TTC.    What I do not know is whether this is a blessing or a curse.

To choose to go down this path is to once more open my heart to the possibilities of success and failure.

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3 Responses to “Hurdle no. 1 – Egg Donor Approval”

  1. Hope Says:

    I found you from the LFCA, and your post really moved me. I think that what you are doing now–facing a reality that isn’t the one you would have chosen, the one you were planning for–is on of the hardest parts of living with IF. I, too, am dealing with changes in my planning and facing realities about myself and my options for family building that bring heavy baggage. I know what it is to rejoice at the possibility that a particular path will finally bring you to parenthood, while at the same time morning and regretting the dreams that are being shut away.

    (((Hugs))) I hope that this new path brings some joy into your life, eventually. And I want to say that it is okay to grieve the loss of the way you wanted things to be, even as you pass an important hurdle.

  2. Jennette Says:

    another via LFCA
    Life is taking you down a new path, embrace it. Mourn for what was not to be, and turn towards what can be. The bond between your sister and yourself will change but it will surely strengthen. I too walked a wobbly path towards motherhood, filled with many awful obstacles and invasive procedures and surgeries and heartbreak. Then I turned 40 and gave birth to my son (thanks to sp*rm donor and IVF).
    Wishing you all the very best, may this new direction bring you closer to parenthood.

  3. Glass case of emotion Says:

    Visiting from LFCA. What a beautiful post. My thoughts are with you in this emotional time.

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