The new year rolls on.

I can hardly believe that 2009 is here…and that I made it through 2008 – the year of unfullfilled promises.  We started off 2008 with hope in our hearts for a successful IVF.    I’m not sure how we’re starting off 2009.  It feels like it has rolled on despite us.  I am not ready.  I haven’t even recovered after Christmas and New Years yet! 

Christmas and New Year’s was full of family…just not ours.  It has been a very, very sad time for us and yet we’ve smiled along with everyone else.   Just last weekend I found myself in the middle of a room full of women discussing child care and the hardships of being a Grandmother.  One of these women was my Mother.  It was so hard to carry on a conversation with them thinking that I will most likely never get to be a mother, let alone a grandmother.   It was so hard to sit there and feel invisible because I had nothing to contribute.  What can I know, or share of the difficulties of child-care?

A much more interesting, (i.e. interesting to me) conversation was occuring in the next room.  The next room was full  of men.  I wonder if it is always to be like this now, that I will find myself separate from the women and leaning towards the men who are suprised that I’m not with the women.  When did the sexes become so divided again anyway?  I don’t remember this division from Uni days…does it happen once people “settle down” and have children.  I can’t imagine wanting to sit in a room full of women talking only women’s business, even if I had children. 

I am left wondering where my true place in the world is.  I know that is not an uncommon existential question…but infertility lends it’s own bent to the problem.

We still have not decided if we will try donor eggs.  My Sister is still willing though she has to come off some medication first.  At this stage I think we might be ready by half way through the year.  If we are going to be ready at all, that is.  By then I will be 40.  I feel old.  Infertility makes me feel older than I am, I think.  Or maybe, I just am actually this old.

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One Response to “The new year rolls on.”

  1. jodie38 Says:

    OMG – I’m right where you are. Well, we’ve decided to use the donor eggs, but all the rest…..

    At social function, I end up migrating toward the group of guys, because the female conversation always, always ends up going somewhere I can’t follow. They’re able to make plans that happen, and discuss kids and families without a second thought. But some of the guys don’t relax if a female’s present (on short leashes at home, those guys), so I wander from group to group, getting bits and pieces, wondering if it would be rude to go outside and hang out with the dog. The safest, most enjoyable time lately is with my gay male friends. I just don’t fit anywhere right now, and it’s taking it’s toll. I need this procedure to happen (or not), so I can clarify my vision of myself and my world. I’ll be 40 this year, and I’m feeling it more every day whereas I never gave it a second thought even 6 months ago. I don’t know how all this will end up, guess I’ll just keep feeling my way along.

    Just wanted to say I hear you loud and clear.

    {hugs} – thinking of you.

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