Angry Night

I feel like letting a stream of curses run from my mouth – but I’ll try something else.  I’ll try writing here. Life just seems a bit unfair  at the moment, and then I think again and realise that I have had my part to play in putting us in this position.

In my 20’s I trained as an actor at one of the best training schools in OZ.  I was pretty good at the acting thing.  What I wasn’t good at was controlling anxiety attacks.  So, I stopped acting and on the advice of a well meaning Dr. did a Grad Dip in education and started teaching.  I hated it!  Hate is not a strong enough word!  And it certainly didn’t cure my anxiety attacks.  You think auditioning is a tough gig – what about standing up everyday in front of a hostile teenage audience! 

I moved from a state school to a Rudolf Steiner school and things improved markedly, though I still couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life teaching. And I still got those anxiety attacks ( and yes, I got some help with those).  So I went back to Uni for the 3rd time to get a Grad Dip in Communications, with the thought of getting a job behind the scenes in media.  But during the course I got married. We needed extra money and so I took on a boarding school job which allowed us to live on site in a 1 bedroom flat overlooking the school quadrangle, and in this way we were able to save for a house.

Now, I am very grateful for that job, but it’s not one that is really compatible with being married or getting pregnant – if you get my drift.  And neither myself nor my husband wanted to live in a school for the rest of our lives – so it was time to move on.

We though I’d be pregnant within a reasonable amount of time – doesn’t everybody? – so I didn’t worry too much about working.  I just did some odd admin jobs here and there, thinking there was not much point in trying to get a permanent position as I’d be pregnant soon…surely…any month now.

But alas  – miscarriage.

So, onward we travelled spending more money on Doctors and eventually on IVF. With me only doing odd jobs, thinking I’d get pregnant, thinking that I should remain in the least stressed out position I could so I didn’t have another miscarriage and so that my body could conceive.

Can you guess where I am now?  Really stressed! Tonight we talked about getting a loan for the debt we have incurred while we have been doing the IVF/baby making thing.  Tonight we talked about me going back to work.  That’s more than fair.

But here’s the bit I’m angry about – I’ve not focussed on my career because I was going to be a Mum, I was always going to go back to work but I knew it would take extra effort on my part to get to the “being a mum” stage.  So I put thoughts about work and career on hold.

And now…I am nearly 40.  I haven’t worked full time in a permanent position for 5 years.  My last “real” job was looking after other people’s kids.  I really, really don’t want to go back to looking after other peoples kids – especially now.  So what do I do?  Where the hell do I look for work?  Will anyone employ a 40 year old woman with 3 degrees  in media/arts  but hardly any experience?  And who am I angry at?  Me, of course.  How did I not see this coming!

Oh..and people are still saying, “Why don’t you try….(insert any number of costly remedies)?” 

“With what money,  people?”, I holler.

Meanwhile back at the baby factory – my SIL will be having her third baby in about a weekand a half, and receiving the third $5000 baby bonus to go with it.

And if you think there’s somehting behind the anger here, you’d be right.  I’m terrified.

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One Response to “Angry Night”

  1. jodie38 Says:

    Yeah, but who plans to end up in this situation? Nobody thinks they’ll fall into this tar pit until they’re up to their neck in it. I never thought of myself as a career person; that’s my husband, and someone has to stay flexible and sane in order to deal with the kids and family things, right?
    :-/ ……. how naive and stupid I feel, remembering that.

    Your 3 degrees are quite an accomplishment, even without the experience. An employer will look at you and see potential written all over the place. Just my 2 cents….please don’t be so hard on yourself.

    I really do believe that a path through the the fire presents itself eventually, and that you’ve made the choices you have for a reason and shouldn’t second guess that. It’s all a part of who you are. It is, however, much easier to believe all that when you’re looking down into the hole rather than up out of it. But at least you’re not alone in the hole – there’s lots of us down here.

    I’m so sorry. This all suck ass and I wish I had something more encouraging to say. Hang in there…. and I’m sorry for blathering all over your comments section!

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