Keep on keeping on

Last weekend we had a family event.  My Mother’s birthday.  It was a pretty normal family event.  We met my Sister’s new boyfriend, who was lovely if a little nervous.  He’s a quiet, calm guy and I’m not sure what he made of our noisy clan. 

My brother and SIL were there too.  She’s due to give birth to their third child in about 5 weeks.  She looks depressed.  She will then have 3 children under 4years.  And for the next 6 months they are still going to be living in their 2 bedroom town house in the city.  I do understand how hard it is for her, and how life is not working out exactly as she planned either.  I do understand this, and yet….it feels unfair.  They get 3 kids and we get none.  And to top it off my relationship with my brother and his wife has disintegrated because it all just hurts too much – for us and for them, I suspect.

Still, to everyone’s credit, we had a day without tears.  We all had a lovely lunch together and I played “Let’s hide from the tigers in the garden” with their eldest, who is about three and a half and very, very cute. 

I don’t even know if they know our latest news…they may still think we are on the IVF trail.  They didn’t ask me how I was, although aparently my brother gave hubby a meaningful look when he said  “and how ARE you going?” to him.  To which I think hubby replied with the standard Aussie male response…”Oh, y’know”…But of course they don’t know, and how could they.

I’m feeling very sad today.  Actually, probably depressed, or more accurately , I’m feeling grief.  I’ve tried to finish off my latest assignment for my course and I just can’t think anymore!  I think it will have to do as it is.  Guess what it’s about?  That’s right, the only thing that’s been in my head lately has been IVF/donor eggs and infertility/fertility issues.  So that’s what my little scenes are about – 2 women. One who is the mother and the other who is the friend and egg donor.   One wants to tell the child about it’s heritage and the other doesn’t.  Drama, drama, drama.  Unfortunately it could be all too real a situation for me one day.

My creative juices are just not flowing.  I am struggling with this.  My Father is in hospital at the moment.  They removed a cancer yesterday.  He lost a lot of blood and had to have a transfusion but seems to be doing well now  He’s not in too much pain but then he’s been pressing that morphine button a lot!   So I had a chat to Mum today and will probably see Dad tomorrow sometime. We ended up chatting about my childlessness.  Mum’s pretty damn good with this now… but it’s one issue where talking about it sometimes makes me feel worse, not better.   I don’t even know if time will heal this one.  But perhaps writing this blog about it will help.


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One Response to “Keep on keeping on”

  1. jodie38 Says:

    Just found your blog a couple of weeks ago – I’m in a very similar situation. We took 6 months to decide to go with DE – take your time. It’s a complicated thing to decide, and for what it’s worth, I understand where you’re coming from…

    I’m sorry to hear about your father, I hope he starts feeling better soon (shame we can’t all have those pumps dragging around after us some days, isn’t it).

    Good luck to you – hang in there.

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