Wonder

 

Why haven’t I started a blog on infertility before? Afterall I’ve been travelling this road for 6 years, give or take a few months. I’ve stopped counting. Perhaps it’s taken this long to actually realise I’m walking it. It’s certainly taken this long to look ahead, down the road. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at my feet.

I expect that this blog will end up being structured in a kind of time past/time present/ time forward way. They all merge together somedays anyway. Like today. Maybe that’s why it’s a good day for starting this blog.

I think I have been afraid of the comments people will leave. Sometimes even well meaning comments from friends and family can be hurtful, I’ve discovered. I will take this willingness to start a blog as a marker of healing. I must be ready and able to endure potential hurts. Or perhaps it’s just that I’m begining to get used to them. Perhaps it’s just that some are so outrageous that it would be a shame not to share them. I am thinking of one of my doctor’s visits where I was told to “Get a garden and grow things instead”. Was he thinking of a vegetable patch?

So, you might want to know where we are at present. Well, apart from 6 years down the track, I am 39 years old (I just had a birthday..Yay! Celebrate!) My husband is 43. We have encountered various medical problems such as; misdiagnosis of polycycstic ovaries, correct diagnosis of moderate endometriosis, motility issues with sperm, failure of ovarian receptors to respond to IVF hormones and , potentially…this is the big one we are waiting on now… genetically unsound eggs.

We began with charting temperatures and mucus and timed intercourse. We later combined that with herbal medications and increase in organic food. I agreed to a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy which was meant to clear up the endometriosis and give me a window of time in which to fall pregnant. I had a very early miscarriage. We are now on to IVF using ICSI and have had 3 unsuccessful attempts.

The nurses at the IVF clinic have been suggesting to us that donor eggs might be our only chance.

We are waiting for our next appointment with the doctor to see what he has to say. We have 4 weeks to wait.

In the meantime and throughout all this, my brother and his wife have had 2 children and are currently pregnant with their 3rd.

We have permantently gritted teeth.

I feel it is not long before the question will change from “When will we have a baby?” to “When will we give up?

Before you ask….adoption is not on the cards.

This has been a rather factual blog. I see that I’ve restrained my emotions. Perhaps I just want a testimony to what we’ve been through so far. Perhaps the next post will be full of tears and shattered plates. “Shattered plates?” you ask. My Mum used to throw plates on the ground whenever things got a little too much.

Oh…and the title of this blog? Well I like to think that I don’t have an infertile mind!

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One Response to “Wonder”

  1. emilythehopeless Says:

    welcome to your blog! sounds like you’ve had more than your fair share of heartache.. infertility is a horrible place to be when everyone else around you is uber fertile. i so know that feeling. i wish you the best!!

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